LORD OF THE BEERS: The Drunken Fellows
Starring….
Kevro Drunkins, (Sherk) Briagorn, Foxwise, Chris Took (CT,) Ronny Meadabuck, Drunkdof, Borokrause, "Silent" Al Day, Jay W, Random Skank, Lorie Elle/ Narrator, the Mooch, Dildo Drunkins, Disco John and Wallace.
Yea so back in the day, we used to all hang out and the world was at peace. Then a kid named Kevro Drunkins received the beer, the one beer, to get all drunk. After that all hell broke lose. This is the first chapter of the story The Lord of the Beers, the Drunken Fellows, it tells of the tale of Kevro and his trip to the brewery to destroy the one beer.
…
Roll the Music
Blank screen as the narrator talks slowly
Narrator:
What was, now is, what is was lost until we found what was
and now what is, is what was, there are some who still remember what is, and others who forgot what was and what is until what could be reminded them of the rest. It all began with the forging, uh I mean brewing of the Beers of power. 3 were given to the Video Gamers, infinite lives and cleanest trigger fingers of all the races. 6… or 7 where given to the couch potatoes, sitting on their couches collecting their infomercial trinkets. And 9 were given to the College students, who above all else desire to have fun. But they were all of them deceived. The Brewery brewed a master beer, and in it they poured their richest alcohol and finest drugs, one beer to get all drunk. One by one the lands of Newark fell into a drunken haze, but there were some that resisted. A last alliance of video gamers and college students marched toward the brewery to face their evil minions and on the slopes of the Beer Vat number 6. They fought for Newark, Victory was at hand but the power Master Beer could not be undone. It was in this time that Izzy took up his fathers’ stainless steel bat and knocked the beer out of the Great Mascot’s hands, the brewery was defeated. Izzy, had this one chance to destroy the master beer, but the brains of College Students are easily corrupted. Izzy kept the beer for himself because he liked the taste and it was less filling and so the Brewery was aloud to keep brewing. But the one beer has a mind of it’s own, it betrayed Izzy, to a really fat chic. And then someone left it in the fridge for way to freakin long. It was found by the creature Mooch, deep in the basement of some dark house. He kept it in his room for a very long time, it slowly turned him into an alcoholic. Alcoholism crept back into Newark, roomers of a nameless brewery and the one beer knew it was time to get home. It left the Mooch, but then it didn’t see this one dude coming into his room. It was picked up by a roommate, Dildo Drunkins, so shortly after his fucked up adventure this story starts. But now that we’ve wasted enough time, get ready for….. LORD OF THE BEERS
Dramatic music
Knock on the door of the fraternity house
Kevro: What the hell is it I’m busy.
Drunkdof: Too busy for your boy?
Kevro: Yea probably what the fuck do you want?
Drunkdof: You still have that beer?
Kevro: Yea why?
Drunkdof: Open the damn door and I’ll tell you why.
(Door opens)
Drunkdof: It’s about damn time, ass.
Kevro: Fuck off!
Drunkdof: Let me see the beer.
Kevro hands him the beer out of the fridge.
Drunkdof sticks it in the freezer
Kevro yells: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It will explode…
Drunkdof takes it out of the freezer
Drunkdof: hold out your hand Kevro.
Kevro takes the Beer
Kevro: it’s still warm.
Drunkdof: Do you see anything written on the label?
Kevro: No
Long pause
Kevro: Wait it’s says something, its written in scribble I can’t read it.
Drunkdof: There are few who can, it is written in drunk, in sober it says “One beer to get all drunk, one beer to mind them, one beer to make them flagged and in the drunkenness blind them”
Kevro: What the hell does that mean?
Drunkdof: It means we are all in deep shit if the Brewery gets this back. They are searching for it, they only need this to enslave the entire world, uh I mean Newark in a drunken stupor.
Kevro: So what’s wrong with that? I wouldn’t mind being constantly drunk.
Drunkdof: Have you been drinking the Beer?
Kevro: (looks around suspiciously) Ah no?
Drunkdof: I’ll be back I’ve gotta talk to the owner of the Nightclub that I work at, he is both wise and sober. Keep it safe, and for the love of god don’t drink it, the alcoholics will catch it’s sent and come hunting for you, they are now working for the brewery. Oh yea get out of here, head to the Deer Park, I’ll meet you there in an hour.
Kevro: Fine whatever (looks at the beer) I still don’t know what’s wrong with being drunk all the time.
All the sudden Foxwise comes flying in the door
Kevro: Sup Fox
Foxwise: I heard everything, we should get going.
Kevro: your coming?
Foxwise: Hell yea I wanna see this shit.
Kevro: Aight let’s get outta here.
They are walking down the road heading to the Deer Park when all the sudden they see Chris and Ron running toward them.
Ronny: Hey it’s Kevro, hey Kevro we are getting chased by girls from down the street, we stole their clothes. Come on we gotta get off this road or they’ll spot us.
Kevro: I need to get to the Deer Park
Chris: Then we’ll come with you, let’s get the hell outta here
They run through some back alleys and stop for a second.
An alcoholic walks by sniffing in their direction.
Kevro: Shit Hide!
Ron: Oh shit!
They hide in some bushes.
Chris: Who was that, and why was he sniffing?
Fox: Let’s just get to the Deer Park.
They walk around sneakily until they arrive at the Deer Park.
They go in and sit at a table and order food, Kevro looks weary and then pulls out the beer. He takes a sip and all the sudden he’s drunk. Loud obnoxious and everyone is looking at him. A man steps out from the corner and grabs Kevro. He pushes him into a small room. He takes off his hood and says
Sherk: You draw far too much attention to yourself Mr. Drunkins, the alcoholics will surely be looking for you now, from now on your following me, My name is Sherk, Drunkdof sent me.
Fox, Ronny, and Chris burst through the door, holding broken beer bottles and Sherk draws his Louisville slugger.
Fox: Get away from him, or I’ll stab you.
Sherk: You have some balls kid, but balls will not save you I know what hunts you.
Nightfall passes and the alcoholics search the area, but they are hidden in a different room.
In the morning they are walking down the street, after breakfast.
Fox: How can we trust this Sherk? Where is he taking us?
Kevro: We don’t really have a choice do we <hic> no one else knows where we are going.
Sherk: We are going to Wallace’s House, He’s having a pong tournament.
Fox: We are going to a pong tournament, awesome.
They continue to this abandoned house
Sherk: We pregame here tonight. Get your shit and begin. (Pause) Oh yea take these bats, broken beer bottles will not protect you from the alcoholics.
He hands them each a small wooden bat.
Ronny: Neither will these pieces of shit. Isn’t there anything better we can use?
Sherk: You can always try kicking them in the nuts, but I hear that just makes em angry. Anyway, I’m gonna go look out back, leaving the four of you helpless. I should be back just in time for me to heroically save the day.
Sherk looks and already none of them are paying attention.
Sherk goes out the back to have a look around.
Kevro begins to fall asleep. Chris takes his laptop out of his bookbag and turns it on.
Chris: Yo check out this Anime I have on my computer. It’s got full sound, no dubbing.
Ron: Great another Anime, Chris don’t you do anything else with your time?
They continue to be loud, and Kevro slowly wakes up.
He looks at the three watching an Anime next to the window and yells.
Kevro: What the fuck are you doing, turn it off turn it off.
He throws the computer on the floor and stamps it out like he’s stamping a fire.
Chris: Does he know there’s a power button?
Ron: Just let him be.
(Sound of cars screeching)
They look out the window, and there are alcoholics approaching.
Kevro: Go!
He points up the steps, and the all run with bats drawn, up the steps to a small hallway. They see the alcoholics come out of different rooms and circle in
Fox: How’d they do that? Weren’t they all just downstairs?
Ron: Son of a bitch, where’s Briagorn? How did we get into this mess?
Chris: This is like on family guy when Stuey gets lost in the woods and they can’t find him and…
Ron Fox Kevro: Shut up Chris!
The Alcoholics keep coming closer
They head toward the four with bats, Fox kicks at one and they hit him with a bat and push him off to the side. The other two (Chris and Ron) get in front of Kevro and are pushed out the way, Kevro takes out the beer and they stop for a second taken back by the beer. He drinks it and the world gets all fuzzy, he can see the alcoholics more clearly, the biggest one steps in and reaches for the beer, Kevro resists and the alcoholic takes out a needle and injects something in Kevro’s arm and heads for the beer again.
At that moment Sherk enters armed with a hose and swinging his metal bat against their wooden ones making them shatter, he pours water on them and they run. He stops to look at Kevro who is passed out.
Sherk: He is doped up and passed out, this is beyond my skills to sober up.
Fox go get some coffee we have to get him to Wallace’s.
Sherk goes out the front door while Fox gets coffee, while he’s walking away, Random Skank drives up in her car. She stops and waves Sherk down.
Skank: I came from Wallace’s, I have been looking for you for 20 minutes now, there are 5 alcoholics on their way, I don’t know where the other 4 are.
Sherk: we have to get Kevro to Wallace’s.
Skank: Well put him in my car I’ll drive him there, you guys can catch up.
They go back and get Kevro, they put him in the car and Skank speeds off, after her a bunch of black car drive drunkenly. She races to get to Wallace’s they are chasing her car and bumping her bumper. She finally makes it and runs inside and locks the door, the alcoholic drive up and the cops’ drive by scaring them off.
Little sequence of healing, Wallace gives Kevro water and slaps him some, then they give him a cold shower and sober him up. He wakes up in a bed with Fox chillen there half asleep and Drunkdof there as well
Kevro: Where am I?
Drunkdof: You’re at Wallace’s, it’s 10:30 at night if you want to know
Kevro: I asked where not when, and the hell happened to you earlier?
Drunkdof: I got delayed (He begins to day dream of Kevin Bacon in animal house saying yes sir may I have another)
Fox sits up and says
Fox: Yo Kevro it’s about time you woke up.
Kevro: My head is killing me where is everyone?
Fox points to the door and follows Kevro out.
Kevro heads out to see Ron and Chris playing video games he says his greetings and then joins them.
He sees Dildo off to the side and runs over to him.
Kevro: Dildo, how’d you end up here?
Dildo: Eh, I had nothing else to do. Hey, you want this bat, it’s nothin special but the video gamers bought it last week.
Dildo hands Kevro the bat.
Kevro: Thanks Dildo, whenever I use this bat I’ll think of you.
Dildo: You might want to put on a cond … ahh never mind.
Elsewhere in a room off to the side
Sherk is sitting on a bed looking at Random skank; they are holding hands and looking at each other mystically.
Skank: Do you remember when we met?
Sherk: Was I drunk?
Skank: That’s you 70% of the time, It was only last week at the Deer Park. Do you remember what I told you there?
Sherk: Not really, I was pretty drunk.
Skank: Well I said that I would commit myself to you forsaking my infinite lives.
Sherk: What the hell? You musta been as drunk as me. And what’s this infinite lives junk. Since when are you a video gamer? I’ve only hung out with you once and all the sudden you want commitment. I’m not sure about that. In fact, this was nice but you need to get goin.
He pushes her out the door while she curses at him.
Sherk lights up a pipe and chills in the room.
In a hallway elsewhere.
Wallace confronts Drunkdof
Wallace: So you say that the owner of the Disco, Disco John has betrayed us, and that the Brewery is massing a group of Ugly girls and fat chicks, the video gamers cannot hold off attacks from both fronts.
Drunkdof: Disco John’s breeding an army of bag heads, they have the body but the head is hideous.
Wallace: We must destroy this beer before the Brewery gets their hands on it.
Wallace calls a secret meeting in the basement, sitting at a round table are: Wallace, Drunkdof, Sherk, Silent Al, Jay, Borokrause, and Kevro and a few video gamers and couch potatoes and Borokrause's body guards.
Wallace: The time has come when the fate of all of Newark is at stake, the one Beer has been found and if it is not taken back to the Brewery and cast into the barley vats, Newark as we know it will be destroyed. The constant state of drunk it would create would cause the people of Newark to go blind with beer goggles. Ugly chicks and fat chicks would rule. Kevro present the beer.
Kevro takes out the beer and sets it in the middle of the table.
Borokrause: It is a gift, let us use it against the beer company to get women drunk and make them have beer goggles. For months my fraternity has kept the fat and ugly chicks at bay, by the blood of my people, are your dicks kept safe. I only ask that you left us defend ourselves.
Sherk stands up
Sherk: No it cannot be used by anyone here, it must be destroyed.
Borokrause: and what would a pot smoker know of this matter
Silent Al stands
Silent Al: this is no mere pot smoker, he is Briagorn son of Glennathorn, and you owe him your allegiance.
Borokrause: Who the hell is Briagorn?
Sherk: Quiet Silent Al
Borokrause: I don’t owe him anything, he hasn’t done shit.
Drunkdof: Briagorn is right, it cannot be used.
Wallace: The only way is to take it back to the brewery which it was brewed. One of you must do this.
Borokrause: One cannot just walk into a brewery, there are more than just ugly girls there. There are annoying mascots who just don’t give it a rest. There are bad beer commercials being run over a loud speaker constantly, the sheer boredom alone could kill a man. And there are always the...
Al interrupts
Silent Al: Have you heard nothing Wallace has said, it must be destroyed.
Jay: And I suppose you think you’re the one to do it! I’ll be dead before I see the beer in the hands of a video gamer.
A fight ensues where there is cursing and arguing until Kevro stands
Kevro: Fuck this shit, give me the beer back I’ll go destroy this thing, you damn panty wastes.
(Pause)
Kevro: But I don’t know where this Brewery is.
Drunkdof: I’ll show you how to get there
Sherk: Count my ass in.
Silent Al: Me too.
Jay: Fuck yea.
Borokrause: I think this is bullshit, but I’ll try to steal the beer later on so I’m coming.
Fox stumbles in
Fox: Where the hell is the bathroom in this place?
Wallace: Looks like we got another one
Fox: what?
Ron and Chris roll in
Ron: where the hell is the bathroom in this place?
Chris: Wait what’s with the sausage fest?
Wallace: And that makes nine.
Chris: What the fuck?
Wallace: Nine of you there are, you shall be the Drunken fellows….
Ron: Can someone tell me where the bathroom is?
Fades
Fade in the are walking on a highway with cars whizzing by
Ron: So someone explain why we couldn’t take a car to get to this brewery?
Silent Al: It’s a quest you can’t take a car on a quest, it’s just not right.
Ron: Yea ………..Ok
They walk some more and they get to an intersection
Drunkdof: We can either take I 95, Route 273 or that dirt road over there. Let the beerbearer decide.
Kevro: <hic> what? (Slurring) Oh let’s take the dirt road.
Everyone sighs and Ron smacks himself on the head.
Ron: why does he get to decide he’s fuckin drunk.
Fox: It’s like the drunk leading the blind, or somethin.
Briagorn while holding his pipe: You know what this calls for? ... A smoke!
He sparks it up and passes it around.
They head to the dirt road and there are dead guys with sad looks on their faces lying around, Silent Al pulls a large pair of panties and looks at the lipstick.
Silent Al: Ugly chicks.
Borokrause: We should have never gone this way, we’ll head down I 95 or worse take the path of 273.
Just then a 10-car pile up hit right where the dirt road is.
Someone yells shit!
Drunkdof: Son of bitch, why did I let the beerbearer decide, well who know where this road leads but we gotta go now.
They head down some more finding more bodies. The path is long and they take a break for a while.
Kevro: Drunkdof? What is that figure down the path a little ways?
Drunkdof: It’s the Mooch, he’s been following us since the highway.
Kevro: Shouldn’t we do something about him.
Drunkdof: Probably but I’m too lazy and we are going to need comic relief later.
Kevro sits back and nods off
Ronny and Chris are sitting together.
Chris: I just downloaded this new Anime. You have to check it out Ronny, it’s called Ranma ½.
Ronny: Don’t you think you should give it a rest, before I give your computer a rest?
Meanwhile Silent Al, Jay and Briagorn are sitting together.
Silent Al: Hey guys you know that the Matrix has a huge error in it.
Jay: Does it really Al?
Silent Al: Yea. Did you notice that during the bullet time, the time was not actually bulleting?
Briagorn: I need a smoke.
He lights up a pipe. Al continues to talk in the background.
Jay: I need some food mayne, can’t we order something or stop at a diner?
Sherk: What diner? You see a diner?
Silent Al interrupts Sherk
Silent Al: But seriously guys we can all learn a valuable lesson from the Matrix
Jay and Sherk: Shut up Al!
Back to Chris and Ronny
Chris: Hey look there’s a lever that says do not pull, I wonder what would happen if….
Ronny: No Chris don’t….
He pulls it.
It releases a bunch of random noises that sound like an elephant passing a kidney stone.
Drunkdof: You stupid ass muther fucker, next time just got throw yourself off a cliff and save us the trouble of looking at you.
All the sudden they hear screaming and after a few seconds hear, then see a bunch of fat chicks running toward them
Sherk: (yelling at the four) stay close to Drunkdof
They get close to Drunkdof while Sherk pick out a few baseballs, Jay get out his large metal hammer and all has some spiky golf ball lookin things. Drunkdof pulls out his aluminum bat and hold up his wooden staff and the four pull out their smaller wooden bats. Borokrause draws his bat and takes out a hardened trash can shield.
Borokrause: Great they brought a 500 pounder
The ground shakes as the battle begins, the women try to molest the heroes but they are hit away with the bats, the 500 pounder tries to sit on them to no avail. The 500 pounder tackles Kevro, Sherk and the others pull her off and help him out, after all of the women have been defeated they continue on.
More screams are heard then they are surrounded again by ugly chicks, until a loud noise (A truck) drives them off, something approaches it’s a really hot chic in a pick up,
Hot chic: I will run you all over!
Drunkdof: This is beyond any of you, run!
They run and Drunkdof stands in front of the Truck shouting some crazy voodoo curse and waving his staff. Then he yells
Drunkdof: Show me your ass! (Mock:: You shall not pass)
The Hot chic gets out and flashes Drunkdof, he follows her to the truck and they drive off.
He leaves with the chic. The others look in shame.
Kevro: That Bitch.
Borokrause: Now how are we supposed to get to the Brewery.
Briagorn: I’ll lead us from now on.
Borokrause: Wait why do you get to lead.
Briagorn: Because I’m the Heroic handsome fighter. Plus I’ve got a cooler look than you have.
Kevro: Will both of you shut up and let’s get going.
Briagorn: We’ve gotta get to Lorie’s before nightfall.
Borokrause: Why’s that?
Briagorn: Those ugly bitches will be back.
They hurry of toward Lorie’s house that is really a Shack in the woods with a bunch of stoners hanging outside of it.
They roll up, there’s no one guarding the door so they just walk in,
The house is filled with smoke; there are black lights everywhere and little hippie trinkets. There are some dudes hittin a bong on the couch, they tell the Fellows that Loire is upstairs hookin up with some dude.
They go up stairs and open the door and find Lorie on a bed making out with some guy.
Lorie: What the fuck, you ever heard of knocking?
The guys look at each other
Some dude: Yo weren’t there 9 of you at one time?
Briagorn: How the hell did you know that?
Some dude: Lucky guess
Lorie: Drunkdof has fallen into shadow…
Ron: I want to “fall” into shadow too he says nudging Chris.
Lorie: The Drunken Fellows are about to break up faster than a white guy at a DMX concert. First, Borokrause is going to try to take the beer.
Borokrause: Yea I said that already.
They all look at him.
Lorie: Well your going to get killed by some fat chic anyway, then Kevro will decide to take Fox and head to the Brewery alone. And the Ron and Chris will be kidnapped, and the three that are left will go and try to help them…
Briagorn: Hold on, what the hell are you talking about? I don't trust you, you must be on crack. Let’s get outta here before the smoke gets to us. (He turns to leave) Useless bitch….
They all turn to go.
Lorie: Wait! I have some thing for the beerbearer.
She takes out a flashlight and hands it to him,
Lorie: Use this when all other lights go out.
Kevro: Yea whatever bitch.
Then she gives them some bikes and sends them on their way.
Ron: Was anyone listening to those things she said? Maybe we should avoid being split up.
Kevro: Whatever fuck her, she didn’t even help us.
Briagorn let’s just get to the random location where the battle is going to take place. And then split up so it’s easier to be beaten.
Fades
Disco John’s place: The Orthanc Disco
Disco John to a bunch of bag headers: Find them, Rape them, Bring back the roommates one of them has something of great importance to me.
Borokrause: hold on a sec, (he starts chasing Kevro) Give me the beer, bitch get back here.
Kevro drinks a sip and gets all drunk, the he kicks Borokrause in the nuts and runs off. Briagorn runs after him. The others split up, Silent Al and Jay head toward Briagorn and the other two chill with Borokrause. Fox sits by a tree.
Ron: So the bitch was right.
Chris: Why do we get stuck with him?
Borokrause: Damn this means I’m gonna die.
He draws his bat.
Kevro is stumbling slightly, he sees Briagorn
Briagorn: Kevro? What’s wrong?
Kevro: I’m going to the Brewery alone.
Briagorn: Alright then go….go……get out of here.
Briagorn draws his bat and a group of bag headers are running toward him. He does a dramatic turn and starts swinging. Silent Al and Jay come and join in the ass kicking.
Kevro runs to the bikes, Fox is chillen there.
Borokrause is fighting off the bitches and he gets knocked down and dragged into the bushes, where he gets….. Well you know. They grab Ron and Chris and drag them away.
Briagorn gets to Krause right before a fat chick is about to jump on him; he fights off the fat chick and then comes to Krause. Krause has claw marks on him and is stabbed with some sharpened lipstick.
Borokrause: Shit, I knew this was going to happen. No beer and now I’m going to die, this movie blows.
Briagorn: Eh? What can you do. He hands him his bat
Borokrause: I still think this is bull, and you still ain’t done shit. Peace I’m out.
He dies
Kevro is getting his stuff together and getting ready to go.
Kevro: Hey Fox, you comin?
Fox: Sure what the hell.
They get on the bikes and leave
Silent Al and Jay come up the three walk to the bikes
Silent Al: they are already across the highway, we can catch them if we hurry (He grabs a bike looks back at Briagorn) You mean not to follow them.
Briagorn: He wants to do it on his own.
Jay: Well then fuck this, let’s go home.
Briagorn: We are not leaving Ron and Chris to rape and death. Leave all the shit you didn’t bring with you anyway. We travel light, Let’s go hunt some bitches.
Jay: Hellz yea.
Silent Al: Well this turned out to be some crazy shit, I wonder what the next one is gonna be like.
Briagorn: You gonna talk or run. Hurry up Al.
They run off after the bitches
You see Kevro and Fox walking through a forest and then standing on some ledge.
Kevro puts his arm around Fox
Kevro: (slurring) I love you man, this shit is awesome.
Fox: dude get off me, you need to stop drinking that shit.
Kevro: Man is this how we are going to end the movie?
Fox: Yea I guess so, kinda lame huh?
END
Starring….
Kevro Drunkins, (Sherk) Briagorn, Foxwise, Chris Took (CT,) Ronny Meadabuck, Drunkdof, Borokrause, "Silent" Al Day, Jay W, Random Skank, Lorie Elle/ Narrator, the Mooch, Dildo Drunkins, Disco John and Wallace.
Yea so back in the day, we used to all hang out and the world was at peace. Then a kid named Kevro Drunkins received the beer, the one beer, to get all drunk. After that all hell broke lose. This is the first chapter of the story The Lord of the Beers, the Drunken Fellows, it tells of the tale of Kevro and his trip to the brewery to destroy the one beer.
…
Roll the Music
Blank screen as the narrator talks slowly
Narrator:
What was, now is, what is was lost until we found what was
and now what is, is what was, there are some who still remember what is, and others who forgot what was and what is until what could be reminded them of the rest. It all began with the forging, uh I mean brewing of the Beers of power. 3 were given to the Video Gamers, infinite lives and cleanest trigger fingers of all the races. 6… or 7 where given to the couch potatoes, sitting on their couches collecting their infomercial trinkets. And 9 were given to the College students, who above all else desire to have fun. But they were all of them deceived. The Brewery brewed a master beer, and in it they poured their richest alcohol and finest drugs, one beer to get all drunk. One by one the lands of Newark fell into a drunken haze, but there were some that resisted. A last alliance of video gamers and college students marched toward the brewery to face their evil minions and on the slopes of the Beer Vat number 6. They fought for Newark, Victory was at hand but the power Master Beer could not be undone. It was in this time that Izzy took up his fathers’ stainless steel bat and knocked the beer out of the Great Mascot’s hands, the brewery was defeated. Izzy, had this one chance to destroy the master beer, but the brains of College Students are easily corrupted. Izzy kept the beer for himself because he liked the taste and it was less filling and so the Brewery was aloud to keep brewing. But the one beer has a mind of it’s own, it betrayed Izzy, to a really fat chic. And then someone left it in the fridge for way to freakin long. It was found by the creature Mooch, deep in the basement of some dark house. He kept it in his room for a very long time, it slowly turned him into an alcoholic. Alcoholism crept back into Newark, roomers of a nameless brewery and the one beer knew it was time to get home. It left the Mooch, but then it didn’t see this one dude coming into his room. It was picked up by a roommate, Dildo Drunkins, so shortly after his fucked up adventure this story starts. But now that we’ve wasted enough time, get ready for….. LORD OF THE BEERS
Dramatic music
Knock on the door of the fraternity house
Kevro: What the hell is it I’m busy.
Drunkdof: Too busy for your boy?
Kevro: Yea probably what the fuck do you want?
Drunkdof: You still have that beer?
Kevro: Yea why?
Drunkdof: Open the damn door and I’ll tell you why.
(Door opens)
Drunkdof: It’s about damn time, ass.
Kevro: Fuck off!
Drunkdof: Let me see the beer.
Kevro hands him the beer out of the fridge.
Drunkdof sticks it in the freezer
Kevro yells: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It will explode…
Drunkdof takes it out of the freezer
Drunkdof: hold out your hand Kevro.
Kevro takes the Beer
Kevro: it’s still warm.
Drunkdof: Do you see anything written on the label?
Kevro: No
Long pause
Kevro: Wait it’s says something, its written in scribble I can’t read it.
Drunkdof: There are few who can, it is written in drunk, in sober it says “One beer to get all drunk, one beer to mind them, one beer to make them flagged and in the drunkenness blind them”
Kevro: What the hell does that mean?
Drunkdof: It means we are all in deep shit if the Brewery gets this back. They are searching for it, they only need this to enslave the entire world, uh I mean Newark in a drunken stupor.
Kevro: So what’s wrong with that? I wouldn’t mind being constantly drunk.
Drunkdof: Have you been drinking the Beer?
Kevro: (looks around suspiciously) Ah no?
Drunkdof: I’ll be back I’ve gotta talk to the owner of the Nightclub that I work at, he is both wise and sober. Keep it safe, and for the love of god don’t drink it, the alcoholics will catch it’s sent and come hunting for you, they are now working for the brewery. Oh yea get out of here, head to the Deer Park, I’ll meet you there in an hour.
Kevro: Fine whatever (looks at the beer) I still don’t know what’s wrong with being drunk all the time.
All the sudden Foxwise comes flying in the door
Kevro: Sup Fox
Foxwise: I heard everything, we should get going.
Kevro: your coming?
Foxwise: Hell yea I wanna see this shit.
Kevro: Aight let’s get outta here.
They are walking down the road heading to the Deer Park when all the sudden they see Chris and Ron running toward them.
Ronny: Hey it’s Kevro, hey Kevro we are getting chased by girls from down the street, we stole their clothes. Come on we gotta get off this road or they’ll spot us.
Kevro: I need to get to the Deer Park
Chris: Then we’ll come with you, let’s get the hell outta here
They run through some back alleys and stop for a second.
An alcoholic walks by sniffing in their direction.
Kevro: Shit Hide!
Ron: Oh shit!
They hide in some bushes.
Chris: Who was that, and why was he sniffing?
Fox: Let’s just get to the Deer Park.
They walk around sneakily until they arrive at the Deer Park.
They go in and sit at a table and order food, Kevro looks weary and then pulls out the beer. He takes a sip and all the sudden he’s drunk. Loud obnoxious and everyone is looking at him. A man steps out from the corner and grabs Kevro. He pushes him into a small room. He takes off his hood and says
Sherk: You draw far too much attention to yourself Mr. Drunkins, the alcoholics will surely be looking for you now, from now on your following me, My name is Sherk, Drunkdof sent me.
Fox, Ronny, and Chris burst through the door, holding broken beer bottles and Sherk draws his Louisville slugger.
Fox: Get away from him, or I’ll stab you.
Sherk: You have some balls kid, but balls will not save you I know what hunts you.
Nightfall passes and the alcoholics search the area, but they are hidden in a different room.
In the morning they are walking down the street, after breakfast.
Fox: How can we trust this Sherk? Where is he taking us?
Kevro: We don’t really have a choice do we <hic> no one else knows where we are going.
Sherk: We are going to Wallace’s House, He’s having a pong tournament.
Fox: We are going to a pong tournament, awesome.
They continue to this abandoned house
Sherk: We pregame here tonight. Get your shit and begin. (Pause) Oh yea take these bats, broken beer bottles will not protect you from the alcoholics.
He hands them each a small wooden bat.
Ronny: Neither will these pieces of shit. Isn’t there anything better we can use?
Sherk: You can always try kicking them in the nuts, but I hear that just makes em angry. Anyway, I’m gonna go look out back, leaving the four of you helpless. I should be back just in time for me to heroically save the day.
Sherk looks and already none of them are paying attention.
Sherk goes out the back to have a look around.
Kevro begins to fall asleep. Chris takes his laptop out of his bookbag and turns it on.
Chris: Yo check out this Anime I have on my computer. It’s got full sound, no dubbing.
Ron: Great another Anime, Chris don’t you do anything else with your time?
They continue to be loud, and Kevro slowly wakes up.
He looks at the three watching an Anime next to the window and yells.
Kevro: What the fuck are you doing, turn it off turn it off.
He throws the computer on the floor and stamps it out like he’s stamping a fire.
Chris: Does he know there’s a power button?
Ron: Just let him be.
(Sound of cars screeching)
They look out the window, and there are alcoholics approaching.
Kevro: Go!
He points up the steps, and the all run with bats drawn, up the steps to a small hallway. They see the alcoholics come out of different rooms and circle in
Fox: How’d they do that? Weren’t they all just downstairs?
Ron: Son of a bitch, where’s Briagorn? How did we get into this mess?
Chris: This is like on family guy when Stuey gets lost in the woods and they can’t find him and…
Ron Fox Kevro: Shut up Chris!
The Alcoholics keep coming closer
They head toward the four with bats, Fox kicks at one and they hit him with a bat and push him off to the side. The other two (Chris and Ron) get in front of Kevro and are pushed out the way, Kevro takes out the beer and they stop for a second taken back by the beer. He drinks it and the world gets all fuzzy, he can see the alcoholics more clearly, the biggest one steps in and reaches for the beer, Kevro resists and the alcoholic takes out a needle and injects something in Kevro’s arm and heads for the beer again.
At that moment Sherk enters armed with a hose and swinging his metal bat against their wooden ones making them shatter, he pours water on them and they run. He stops to look at Kevro who is passed out.
Sherk: He is doped up and passed out, this is beyond my skills to sober up.
Fox go get some coffee we have to get him to Wallace’s.
Sherk goes out the front door while Fox gets coffee, while he’s walking away, Random Skank drives up in her car. She stops and waves Sherk down.
Skank: I came from Wallace’s, I have been looking for you for 20 minutes now, there are 5 alcoholics on their way, I don’t know where the other 4 are.
Sherk: we have to get Kevro to Wallace’s.
Skank: Well put him in my car I’ll drive him there, you guys can catch up.
They go back and get Kevro, they put him in the car and Skank speeds off, after her a bunch of black car drive drunkenly. She races to get to Wallace’s they are chasing her car and bumping her bumper. She finally makes it and runs inside and locks the door, the alcoholic drive up and the cops’ drive by scaring them off.
Little sequence of healing, Wallace gives Kevro water and slaps him some, then they give him a cold shower and sober him up. He wakes up in a bed with Fox chillen there half asleep and Drunkdof there as well
Kevro: Where am I?
Drunkdof: You’re at Wallace’s, it’s 10:30 at night if you want to know
Kevro: I asked where not when, and the hell happened to you earlier?
Drunkdof: I got delayed (He begins to day dream of Kevin Bacon in animal house saying yes sir may I have another)
Fox sits up and says
Fox: Yo Kevro it’s about time you woke up.
Kevro: My head is killing me where is everyone?
Fox points to the door and follows Kevro out.
Kevro heads out to see Ron and Chris playing video games he says his greetings and then joins them.
He sees Dildo off to the side and runs over to him.
Kevro: Dildo, how’d you end up here?
Dildo: Eh, I had nothing else to do. Hey, you want this bat, it’s nothin special but the video gamers bought it last week.
Dildo hands Kevro the bat.
Kevro: Thanks Dildo, whenever I use this bat I’ll think of you.
Dildo: You might want to put on a cond … ahh never mind.
Elsewhere in a room off to the side
Sherk is sitting on a bed looking at Random skank; they are holding hands and looking at each other mystically.
Skank: Do you remember when we met?
Sherk: Was I drunk?
Skank: That’s you 70% of the time, It was only last week at the Deer Park. Do you remember what I told you there?
Sherk: Not really, I was pretty drunk.
Skank: Well I said that I would commit myself to you forsaking my infinite lives.
Sherk: What the hell? You musta been as drunk as me. And what’s this infinite lives junk. Since when are you a video gamer? I’ve only hung out with you once and all the sudden you want commitment. I’m not sure about that. In fact, this was nice but you need to get goin.
He pushes her out the door while she curses at him.
Sherk lights up a pipe and chills in the room.
In a hallway elsewhere.
Wallace confronts Drunkdof
Wallace: So you say that the owner of the Disco, Disco John has betrayed us, and that the Brewery is massing a group of Ugly girls and fat chicks, the video gamers cannot hold off attacks from both fronts.
Drunkdof: Disco John’s breeding an army of bag heads, they have the body but the head is hideous.
Wallace: We must destroy this beer before the Brewery gets their hands on it.
Wallace calls a secret meeting in the basement, sitting at a round table are: Wallace, Drunkdof, Sherk, Silent Al, Jay, Borokrause, and Kevro and a few video gamers and couch potatoes and Borokrause's body guards.
Wallace: The time has come when the fate of all of Newark is at stake, the one Beer has been found and if it is not taken back to the Brewery and cast into the barley vats, Newark as we know it will be destroyed. The constant state of drunk it would create would cause the people of Newark to go blind with beer goggles. Ugly chicks and fat chicks would rule. Kevro present the beer.
Kevro takes out the beer and sets it in the middle of the table.
Borokrause: It is a gift, let us use it against the beer company to get women drunk and make them have beer goggles. For months my fraternity has kept the fat and ugly chicks at bay, by the blood of my people, are your dicks kept safe. I only ask that you left us defend ourselves.
Sherk stands up
Sherk: No it cannot be used by anyone here, it must be destroyed.
Borokrause: and what would a pot smoker know of this matter
Silent Al stands
Silent Al: this is no mere pot smoker, he is Briagorn son of Glennathorn, and you owe him your allegiance.
Borokrause: Who the hell is Briagorn?
Sherk: Quiet Silent Al
Borokrause: I don’t owe him anything, he hasn’t done shit.
Drunkdof: Briagorn is right, it cannot be used.
Wallace: The only way is to take it back to the brewery which it was brewed. One of you must do this.
Borokrause: One cannot just walk into a brewery, there are more than just ugly girls there. There are annoying mascots who just don’t give it a rest. There are bad beer commercials being run over a loud speaker constantly, the sheer boredom alone could kill a man. And there are always the...
Al interrupts
Silent Al: Have you heard nothing Wallace has said, it must be destroyed.
Jay: And I suppose you think you’re the one to do it! I’ll be dead before I see the beer in the hands of a video gamer.
A fight ensues where there is cursing and arguing until Kevro stands
Kevro: Fuck this shit, give me the beer back I’ll go destroy this thing, you damn panty wastes.
(Pause)
Kevro: But I don’t know where this Brewery is.
Drunkdof: I’ll show you how to get there
Sherk: Count my ass in.
Silent Al: Me too.
Jay: Fuck yea.
Borokrause: I think this is bullshit, but I’ll try to steal the beer later on so I’m coming.
Fox stumbles in
Fox: Where the hell is the bathroom in this place?
Wallace: Looks like we got another one
Fox: what?
Ron and Chris roll in
Ron: where the hell is the bathroom in this place?
Chris: Wait what’s with the sausage fest?
Wallace: And that makes nine.
Chris: What the fuck?
Wallace: Nine of you there are, you shall be the Drunken fellows….
Ron: Can someone tell me where the bathroom is?
Fades
Fade in the are walking on a highway with cars whizzing by
Ron: So someone explain why we couldn’t take a car to get to this brewery?
Silent Al: It’s a quest you can’t take a car on a quest, it’s just not right.
Ron: Yea ………..Ok
They walk some more and they get to an intersection
Drunkdof: We can either take I 95, Route 273 or that dirt road over there. Let the beerbearer decide.
Kevro: <hic> what? (Slurring) Oh let’s take the dirt road.
Everyone sighs and Ron smacks himself on the head.
Ron: why does he get to decide he’s fuckin drunk.
Fox: It’s like the drunk leading the blind, or somethin.
Briagorn while holding his pipe: You know what this calls for? ... A smoke!
He sparks it up and passes it around.
They head to the dirt road and there are dead guys with sad looks on their faces lying around, Silent Al pulls a large pair of panties and looks at the lipstick.
Silent Al: Ugly chicks.
Borokrause: We should have never gone this way, we’ll head down I 95 or worse take the path of 273.
Just then a 10-car pile up hit right where the dirt road is.
Someone yells shit!
Drunkdof: Son of bitch, why did I let the beerbearer decide, well who know where this road leads but we gotta go now.
They head down some more finding more bodies. The path is long and they take a break for a while.
Kevro: Drunkdof? What is that figure down the path a little ways?
Drunkdof: It’s the Mooch, he’s been following us since the highway.
Kevro: Shouldn’t we do something about him.
Drunkdof: Probably but I’m too lazy and we are going to need comic relief later.
Kevro sits back and nods off
Ronny and Chris are sitting together.
Chris: I just downloaded this new Anime. You have to check it out Ronny, it’s called Ranma ½.
Ronny: Don’t you think you should give it a rest, before I give your computer a rest?
Meanwhile Silent Al, Jay and Briagorn are sitting together.
Silent Al: Hey guys you know that the Matrix has a huge error in it.
Jay: Does it really Al?
Silent Al: Yea. Did you notice that during the bullet time, the time was not actually bulleting?
Briagorn: I need a smoke.
He lights up a pipe. Al continues to talk in the background.
Jay: I need some food mayne, can’t we order something or stop at a diner?
Sherk: What diner? You see a diner?
Silent Al interrupts Sherk
Silent Al: But seriously guys we can all learn a valuable lesson from the Matrix
Jay and Sherk: Shut up Al!
Back to Chris and Ronny
Chris: Hey look there’s a lever that says do not pull, I wonder what would happen if….
Ronny: No Chris don’t….
He pulls it.
It releases a bunch of random noises that sound like an elephant passing a kidney stone.
Drunkdof: You stupid ass muther fucker, next time just got throw yourself off a cliff and save us the trouble of looking at you.
All the sudden they hear screaming and after a few seconds hear, then see a bunch of fat chicks running toward them
Sherk: (yelling at the four) stay close to Drunkdof
They get close to Drunkdof while Sherk pick out a few baseballs, Jay get out his large metal hammer and all has some spiky golf ball lookin things. Drunkdof pulls out his aluminum bat and hold up his wooden staff and the four pull out their smaller wooden bats. Borokrause draws his bat and takes out a hardened trash can shield.
Borokrause: Great they brought a 500 pounder
The ground shakes as the battle begins, the women try to molest the heroes but they are hit away with the bats, the 500 pounder tries to sit on them to no avail. The 500 pounder tackles Kevro, Sherk and the others pull her off and help him out, after all of the women have been defeated they continue on.
More screams are heard then they are surrounded again by ugly chicks, until a loud noise (A truck) drives them off, something approaches it’s a really hot chic in a pick up,
Hot chic: I will run you all over!
Drunkdof: This is beyond any of you, run!
They run and Drunkdof stands in front of the Truck shouting some crazy voodoo curse and waving his staff. Then he yells
Drunkdof: Show me your ass! (Mock:: You shall not pass)
The Hot chic gets out and flashes Drunkdof, he follows her to the truck and they drive off.
He leaves with the chic. The others look in shame.
Kevro: That Bitch.
Borokrause: Now how are we supposed to get to the Brewery.
Briagorn: I’ll lead us from now on.
Borokrause: Wait why do you get to lead.
Briagorn: Because I’m the Heroic handsome fighter. Plus I’ve got a cooler look than you have.
Kevro: Will both of you shut up and let’s get going.
Briagorn: We’ve gotta get to Lorie’s before nightfall.
Borokrause: Why’s that?
Briagorn: Those ugly bitches will be back.
They hurry of toward Lorie’s house that is really a Shack in the woods with a bunch of stoners hanging outside of it.
They roll up, there’s no one guarding the door so they just walk in,
The house is filled with smoke; there are black lights everywhere and little hippie trinkets. There are some dudes hittin a bong on the couch, they tell the Fellows that Loire is upstairs hookin up with some dude.
They go up stairs and open the door and find Lorie on a bed making out with some guy.
Lorie: What the fuck, you ever heard of knocking?
The guys look at each other
Some dude: Yo weren’t there 9 of you at one time?
Briagorn: How the hell did you know that?
Some dude: Lucky guess
Lorie: Drunkdof has fallen into shadow…
Ron: I want to “fall” into shadow too he says nudging Chris.
Lorie: The Drunken Fellows are about to break up faster than a white guy at a DMX concert. First, Borokrause is going to try to take the beer.
Borokrause: Yea I said that already.
They all look at him.
Lorie: Well your going to get killed by some fat chic anyway, then Kevro will decide to take Fox and head to the Brewery alone. And the Ron and Chris will be kidnapped, and the three that are left will go and try to help them…
Briagorn: Hold on, what the hell are you talking about? I don't trust you, you must be on crack. Let’s get outta here before the smoke gets to us. (He turns to leave) Useless bitch….
They all turn to go.
Lorie: Wait! I have some thing for the beerbearer.
She takes out a flashlight and hands it to him,
Lorie: Use this when all other lights go out.
Kevro: Yea whatever bitch.
Then she gives them some bikes and sends them on their way.
Ron: Was anyone listening to those things she said? Maybe we should avoid being split up.
Kevro: Whatever fuck her, she didn’t even help us.
Briagorn let’s just get to the random location where the battle is going to take place. And then split up so it’s easier to be beaten.
Fades
Disco John’s place: The Orthanc Disco
Disco John to a bunch of bag headers: Find them, Rape them, Bring back the roommates one of them has something of great importance to me.
Borokrause: hold on a sec, (he starts chasing Kevro) Give me the beer, bitch get back here.
Kevro drinks a sip and gets all drunk, the he kicks Borokrause in the nuts and runs off. Briagorn runs after him. The others split up, Silent Al and Jay head toward Briagorn and the other two chill with Borokrause. Fox sits by a tree.
Ron: So the bitch was right.
Chris: Why do we get stuck with him?
Borokrause: Damn this means I’m gonna die.
He draws his bat.
Kevro is stumbling slightly, he sees Briagorn
Briagorn: Kevro? What’s wrong?
Kevro: I’m going to the Brewery alone.
Briagorn: Alright then go….go……get out of here.
Briagorn draws his bat and a group of bag headers are running toward him. He does a dramatic turn and starts swinging. Silent Al and Jay come and join in the ass kicking.
Kevro runs to the bikes, Fox is chillen there.
Borokrause is fighting off the bitches and he gets knocked down and dragged into the bushes, where he gets….. Well you know. They grab Ron and Chris and drag them away.
Briagorn gets to Krause right before a fat chick is about to jump on him; he fights off the fat chick and then comes to Krause. Krause has claw marks on him and is stabbed with some sharpened lipstick.
Borokrause: Shit, I knew this was going to happen. No beer and now I’m going to die, this movie blows.
Briagorn: Eh? What can you do. He hands him his bat
Borokrause: I still think this is bull, and you still ain’t done shit. Peace I’m out.
He dies
Kevro is getting his stuff together and getting ready to go.
Kevro: Hey Fox, you comin?
Fox: Sure what the hell.
They get on the bikes and leave
Silent Al and Jay come up the three walk to the bikes
Silent Al: they are already across the highway, we can catch them if we hurry (He grabs a bike looks back at Briagorn) You mean not to follow them.
Briagorn: He wants to do it on his own.
Jay: Well then fuck this, let’s go home.
Briagorn: We are not leaving Ron and Chris to rape and death. Leave all the shit you didn’t bring with you anyway. We travel light, Let’s go hunt some bitches.
Jay: Hellz yea.
Silent Al: Well this turned out to be some crazy shit, I wonder what the next one is gonna be like.
Briagorn: You gonna talk or run. Hurry up Al.
They run off after the bitches
You see Kevro and Fox walking through a forest and then standing on some ledge.
Kevro puts his arm around Fox
Kevro: (slurring) I love you man, this shit is awesome.
Fox: dude get off me, you need to stop drinking that shit.
Kevro: Man is this how we are going to end the movie?
Fox: Yea I guess so, kinda lame huh?
END